I Love My Empty Nest!

Grams has several friends whose little chicks are flying the nest within the next couple of weeks. That's right, their kids are leaving for college, thus creating the proverbial empty nest. Many years ago when our kids left for college, Grams had a very hard time with this. And even though it's been a long time since my chicks flew the nest (the first left in 1997 and the second in 2000), thinking about it can still conjure up those raw feelings.

I'll just admit right up front that Grams is a HUGE advocate of sending your kids AWAY to college. That's right, I'm not a fan of college kids living at home and going to school. I'm a firm believer that when kids graduate from high school, it's time to treat them like grown ups. Living in your parent's house while doing the things that college kids do is a recipe for conflict, discontent, and sleepless nights. Yes, I know it's expensive, but it provides an experience that is priceless. Young adults need the freedom and responsibility of making their own decisions and mistakes. Their parents need the liberation of not knowing every single thing these young adults are doing in college.

I was absolutely insistent that our kids go away to college. But I was not ready for the reality of my first child moving into a college apartment with complete strangers. There is an old television commercial where the Mom is helping her daughter move into her dorm room. When the Mom looks at her daughter, she sees her as a toddler. That's exactly the same feeling I had when we took our daughter to college.

When we took our oldest to UTSA, a mere two hour drive from home, it was extremely difficult. Okay, truth be told, I cried all the way home. Every time I would get myself under control, Grandad would say something to me and I would start crying all over again. We finally finished the drive in absolute silence, except for my sniffling.

As part of preparing to send her to college, Grams and Grandad attended a parent orientation session. It was only a few hours and was very helpful in letting us know what to expect. As part of that orientation they gave us a schedule that outlined what to expect during first year away at college. It was spot on and I've always wished I had saved it so I could pass it on to my friends. Here's what I remember.

• By Halloween your child will hate college and will want to come home. Don't give in. Make them stick it out at least until mid-term, preferably the entire first year.
• By Christmas, they'll begin to feel a real sense of separation from home. They'll be happy to see their old friends when they come home for Christmas, but they may feel like maybe they don't have so much in common with them any more.
• By Valentine's Day almost all high school romances will be over and done with.
• By Spring Break, your student will love college and wonder what they didn't like before.

Our experience with both of our kids was very much in line with this schedule. They called in October and wanted to quit school and come home. We didn't go see them until Halloween. From August to Halloween was a long, long time. In retrospect, it may have been too long. By the time they came home for Christmas, they were feeling better about about college. And by the end of the spring term, our daughter was so settled in that she stayed and went to summer school. At the end of his first semester, our son transferred to another school, only to return to Schreiner after one semester. (That's a long story for a different day.)

I will admit that, while I was initially excited for the first of my children to leave home, I was not in any way emotionally prepared for it. Just a few weeks after she left, I dove into cleaning her room and remodeling it to suit my plans. I vividly remember my eyes blurring with tears as I peeled Rainbow Brite and Strawberry Shortcake stickers off the window and mirror and scrubbed the sticky residue away. It felt like I was scrubbing away her childhood. In retrospect, I should have given myself a little more time. When she came home for Christmas, her room had been transformed into my sewing/craft room and she had to sleep on the couch. I felt bad and tried to put her furniture back where it had been. But it didn't matter to her. Still, more than twelve years after she left for college, she says she can get more rest by coming home than she ever gets anywhere else.

Go ahead and let them go ... they will be fine and so will you. Let them make their own decisions. Don't worry about what they're eating. Buy them a meal card so you know they're not going to starve and let them take it from there. Don't worry about what they're wearing. Make sure they have climate-appropriate clothing available, but they have to make their own decisions. College students rarely starve or freeze, but they do often wear pajamas to class and it's really okay. Don't worry about whether they're getting enough sleep or not. Trust me, they're not. But they're young and they have to learn for themselves.

Do something special for them every now and then. For Halloween I shipped my college students boxes filled with Halloween candy. When finals were coming up, I sent them a care package with easy-to-grab healthy snacks like peanut butter, crackers, pretzels, jerky, etc. It made me feel better and it made them feel remembered and loved.

Do something special for yourself. Take a class, host a party, join a club, take a walk. Just do something besides sitting in their room and missing them.

Grams has learned to love our empty nest. Some of the advantages include:

• Grams doesn't lay awake at night listening for kids to come home at all hours.
• I have the sewing/craft room I've always wanted.
• I never have to yell at Grandad to turn down the stereo.
• We have time to spend with friends.
• Grandad hardly ever leaves dirty dishes or dirty clothes all over the house for me to pick up.
• We take grown-up vacations; we only go to amusement parks if we want to go. And we don't have to schedule them around kids and school calendars.
• We each have our own bathroom.
• We watch what we want to watch on television.

So, don't worry Mom's. You'll get used to not having kids in the house. No matter how far away they go or how long they stay away, wherever you are will always be their home. Besides, in a few years they'll get married and bring their kids home for you to babysit.

And remember, it's not really an empty nest until they take their stuff!

They're Supposed to Leave

Many years ago, when we were new parents we had to take a class before our babies could be baptized. In one of those classes, a very wise priest gave us some valuable advice. Here is the gist of it. Being parents is important and will be all consuming for a long time. Never forget that some day this child will grow up and leave you. That's what they're supposed to do. The relationship that must survive is the relationship with your spouse. Be sure you take care of that relationship. When this child grows up and leaves you, and it will grow up and leave you, make sure you still have a relationship with your spouse.

You may have guessed by now, Grams and her Darling Husband, aka Grandad, are empty nesters. Our two chicks flew the coop long ago.

We started our family about 4 years after we married. Our eldest was born in 1979 and our baby in 1981. In 1984, when our oldest was about to start school, we moved to Calallen because we knew they had great schools. Our little neighborhood is located at the very back of the subdivision and there is only one way in and out. Many of us have lived here for more than 20 years. It was a great place to raise our kids. They could never do anything that the neighbors didn't tell us about, usually before they got home. We all watched out for each other's kids. My sister says Calallen is like Stepford for people with kids. We're all wrapped up in our kids' school and extra-curricular activities. We love that aspect of living here.

For the next 20 years we wholeheartedly embraced raising kids. If our kids were involved in anything, we were there. We coached youth sports, we sat through hundreds (maybe even thousands) of practices, we taught religious education, we joined the PTA, we were officers in booster clubs, we worked concession stands, we sold candy and raffle tickets. We went to hundreds of basketball games, football games, baseball games, soccer games, track meets and kickball games. Whatever they did, we did. You get the picture. Our kids were our whole world.

Fast forward to 2000 when our baby left for college. When our kids left home, so did our social life. Everything we had been involved in was finished. Couple this with the fact that our best friends, who coincidentally were married to each other, got a divorce at about this time. We literally had lost our best friends. We sat down in the living room, looked at each other and shrugged our shoulders. What do we do now?

We've never had what I would consider a lot of friends. Most of our friends were people we knew through our kids. Basically, we have always done everything together as a couple. After a few weeks of feeling sorry for ourselves, we realized that something had to change and, if it was going to change, we had to change it.

It took a while, but we overcame. We re-instituted date night. Once a week we go out together. On Friday nights, instead of the football or basketball games, we go out to dinner with a group of neighbors. Thursday night has become pizza night. We either order delivery or go to a local pizza place with friends. Sunday after church we often go out for brunch with family. And we've become movie fanatics. Most weekends will find us, often with brother and sister-in-law, at our local movie theater taking in the newest release.

I won't kid you. My kids leaving home was one of the most difficult things I've endured. I cried all the way home from UTSA when we took our oldest child to school. I wept like a baby when I scraped the He-Man and Rainbo Brite stickers from the windows in their bedrooms. I miss going to high school basketball games. But I've grown to love it. That's right, I love my empty nest. It definitely has it's advantages. I've converted one of the bedrooms into my own sewing, craft and computer room. I've remodeled the kid's bathroom for myself, complete with a crystal chandelier. Having no kids at home has many advantages. Grandad will eat whatever I cook with no complaints ... and I hardly ever have to yell at him to turn the stereo down.